The role we choose to play as leaders
What does your team need from you right now?
For six wonderful weeks recently, I swapped team and leadership coaching for something far more important: being Granny.
My daughter had just welcomed her third little boy into the world, so I packed my bags and hopped on a plane.
There were school runs to juggle, two energetic older brothers who still needed attention and routine, endless washing and all the beautiful, exhausting unpredictability that comes with welcoming a newborn into the family.
As I packed my suitcase for Australia, I found myself thinking carefully about the role I wanted to play during those six weeks.
It would have been easy to arrive as the expert.
After all, I’d raised children myself. I had decades more experience.
Instead, I made a conscious decision.
I wasn’t travelling halfway across the world to show my daughter how to parent. I was travelling there to support her and husband in their family while they parented.
Just as my mother had done, for both my sister and me in Dubai and Oxford, coming from South Africa. She would notice what needed doing, get on and do it, ask what we wanted, did it how we wanted.
She set a wonderful pattern in the family of how to support when there is a newborn, and I know I wanted to do the same.
So my conscious decision was rather than arriving with answers, I arrived with questions.
“What time would you like him fed?”
“What would be most helpful today?”
“How can I make things easier?”
Sometimes that meant staying home with the baby so she or her husband could do the school run and spend precious one-to-one time with her older boys, giving them a sense of normality while everything around them was changing. Sometimes it meant emptying the dishwasher, putting another load of washing on, ironing while watching some tv (we’ve got to make these things more fun, haven’t we?!). Other times it simply meant being present, noticing what needed doing without being asked and getting on with it.
The work itself wasn’t remarkable. Far from it. Being intentional about my role was.
I respected my daughter’s relationship with her husband, her baby and her older boys. I respected her expertise as mum. My job wasn’t to take over or to prove I knew best.
My role was to help their family flourish in the way they needed, not in the way I thought it should happen.
By the time I boarded the flight home, I realised I’d learned something far bigger than I’d expected.
The success of those six weeks had very little to do with my experience and had everything to do with intentionally choosing the role I wanted to play and follow the beautiful role modelling by my mother too.
And it struck me that this is exactly the challenge leaders face every day.
Great leadership starts with choosing the right hat
When I’m working with leadership teams, I often ask a deceptively simple question.
“Which hat are you wearing?”
It sounds almost too obvious, yet it’s one of the most useful questions a leader can ask themselves.
Throughout any working day we move between different roles, often without noticing we’ve done so. One moment we’re making decisions and setting direction. Next, we’re coaching someone through a challenge, facilitating a strategy session, mentoring a new colleague or offering our expertise on a technical issue…
Each role requires something different from us.
Where leaders often become unstuck is when they continue wearing the same hat long after the situation has changed.
I remember facilitating a strategy session with a chief executive who began the day by saying, “I’m taking off my Chief Executive hat now and I’m putting on my facilitator hat.”
It was such a small statement, however it transformed the atmosphere in the room. People relaxed. They understood this wasn’t another meeting where the most senior person already knew the answer. They were being invited to think together, challenge one another respectfully and help shape the future of the organisation.
That, to me, is leadership: Intentionally deciding how our authority is best used in that moment, rather than always having the answer,
Sometimes our team needs direction. Sometimes they need encouragement. And sometimes they need us to create the space for their own thinking to emerge.
Why observation should come before action
One of the biggest lessons I brought home from Australia was the value of slowing down before stepping in.
It would have been very easy to arrive and immediately start helping in the way I thought would be most useful. Instead, I spent those first couple of days watching the rhythms of family life. I listened carefully. I noticed what was already working well and where the pressure points were and asked what they wanted me to do? This helped me understand how I could best contribute and serve them.
And during my 6 week stay, one of my favourite times was going on a “nature walk” with the 5 year old.
This meant with his little basket, he led the way, we walked at his pace, he picked up things he saw along the pavement path. He picked up leaves, sticks and flowers, then came home and made a card to send to the other Granny sticking on the things he’d found. I knew my role was to go at his pace, let him lead and me to follow.
Also on most days serving their family looked like having my older grandsons for one hour each morning – 6 till 7am – playing puzzles, reading stories, researching weird and wonderful curious questions on YouTube.
I put on my “involve” hat, giving their parents a chance to bond with the baby and rest, while continuing to build my relationship with the boys too.
Interestingly, I’ve found exactly the same principle applies when working with organisations.
New leaders often feel enormous pressure to prove themselves quickly. There can be an understandable urge to arrive, make changes and demonstrate that appointing them was the right decision.
However, some of the wisest leaders I’ve worked alongside have deliberately resisted that temptation. They observe first. They take time to listen. They seek to understand the culture before even vaguely attempting to reshape it.
That doesn’t mean standing back indefinitely. There comes a point when leaders need to articulate a compelling vision, make difficult decisions and bring people with them. However, I believe those decisions are almost always stronger when they’ve been informed by curiosity rather than assumption.
This is why I spend time listening whenever I begin working with a new organisation. At first, I want to understand the history, the relationships, the unwritten rules and the traditions that have shaped the team. Every organisation has a story, and unless we understand that story, and who and what has come before, that can affect the dynamics now, we’re only seeing part of the picture.
Respecting the system before changing it
Many years ago, I was working with healthcare teams in Jaffna, Sri Lanka.
When I arrived on the first morning, the room had been arranged in neat rows facing the front, much like a traditional classroom. I knew the participative workshop I’d designed would work far better with the chairs arranged in a semi-circle, however instead of immediately moving them myself, I paused.
I noticed there was one gentleman, who always came in really early and whose role it was to prepare the room and serve tea. The following morning I arrived super-early, explained what I was hoping to achieve and asked whether he would be willing to arrange the chairs differently.
He smiled and happily agreed.
While it may seem like a tiny moment, it completely changed the dynamic of the entire workshop. The 3 female doctors in the packed room came up to me afterwards and thanked me for allowing their voices to be heard. (Importantly, this moment also respected the existing system rather than barging into it.)
As leaders, we are often entering systems that were functioning long before we arrived. Respecting those systems doesn’t mean accepting that everything must stay the same. It means recognising that lasting change is far more likely when people feel respected than when they feel overruled.
The traditions we create become our culture
Families have traditions and patterns and organisations do too.
Some are obvious, while others evolve over years and years, until nobody remembers where they came from.
How do people celebrate success?
How are mistakes handled?
Is feedback welcomed or avoided?
How are new people made to feel they belong?
These traditions shape culture far more powerfully than posters on walls ever will.
One story I’ve often reflected on comes from Colonel Nicole Malachowski, the first woman to command the US Air Force Thunderbirds.
Two of her most experienced pilots made a dangerous error during a training exercise, flying far lower than safety regulations allowed. 500 feet above ground at 500mph. In a Wildlife Refuge area of desert. Their actions could easily have ended in tragedy.
She gave them two options: a) remove them from flying and instructor duties or b) use the incident to own up to their mistakes.
They chose the second, and she called it: “Steel Sharpens Steel.”
Rather than quietly dealing with the issue behind closed doors, she asked both pilots to stand in front of the team and explain exactly what had happened, what they’d learned and how they would prevent it happening again. She taught them that by being vulnerable and owning up to your mistakes, you could strengthen the culture of the whole team.
Eventually this became a Friday tradition. Every week, people shared mistakes, near misses and lessons learned. They called these conversations “Steel Sharpens Steel”.
Just imagine the trust that created! One courageous leadership decision became an intentional cultural tradition. And I would argue that’s how culture flourishes – through repeated behaviours, building trust.
Leadership is about intention
One thing I’ve noticed, in Start ups, Scale ups and mature organisations, is that many leaders genuinely care about their people yet hesitate to have difficult conversations. There’s a systemic reluctance to give and receive feedback. They worry about upsetting someone, so poor behaviours are allowed to continue. Over time, avoiding those conversations has become part of the culture.
I’ve learned that truthful feedback and compassionate leadership are not opposites; in fact, I’d argue that they belong together.
Some of the most effective feedback conversations happen away from desks and meeting rooms, perhaps over a coffee and a nourishing, protein filled snack. These are conversations where people feel psychologically safe enough to listen rather than defend themselves. Simple frameworks like “What Went Well” and “Even Better If” allow us to be honest while remaining respectful.
Leadership looks like intentionally choosing the right time, the right environment and the right approach for the conversation your team needs.
Presence creates culture
One of the biggest misconceptions about leadership is that influence comes from position and power. I don’t believe it does, though. I believe influence comes from presence and robust decision making. It comes from how we show up each day, whether we listen before we speak, or whether we admit our own mistakes and create space for others to contribute, like Malachowski. It’s when we model the behaviours we hope to see in everyone else.
People rarely remember the values written on the wall or the ones in an employee handbook, after all. However they do remember how their leaders made them feel and if they were listened to. They do remember whether mistakes became opportunities for learning or reasons for blame. And they definitely remember whether their leader consistently lived the values they expected everyone else to align with.
What does your team need from you today?
As I left Australia, I wasn’t thinking about leadership models or organisational culture.
I was thinking about my daughter, son-in-law and their three beautiful sons. I was contemplating the blessing of feeding that tiny precious human, nature walks, schools runs, washing baskets and the wonderful privilege of supporting another generation without trying to control it.
I value not only how welcome they make me feel, also when leaving, hearing my son-in-law say, “Do come and stay again anytime and for as long as you like”. That is high praise in my book indeed.
So during that long flight back home, I thought about how those six weeks reminded me of one of the most important leadership lessons I’ve learned during my career.
Before we ask ourselves, “What should I do?”, perhaps the better question is this:
“What does my team need from me right now?”
Sometimes they need the visionary, sometimes they need the coach.
Sometimes they need the facilitator, sometimes they need the expert.
And sometimes they simply need someone willing to bring them their favourite coffee and a calming presence, quietly do what’s needed in the background, and help other people shine.
Leadership isn’t defined by having all the answers, it’s defined by intentionally choosing the role that helps other people flourish.
If this has prompted you to reflect on the role you’re playing as a leader, I’d love to invite you to join us for 2 days to scale up your leadership – 16 & 23 September 2026 in Oxford. Over our 2 days together, you’re going to dive deeper into the art and science of Scaling up your Leadership. It’s time to let go of what’s holding you back and grow into the leader you know you can be! Find out more here.
